That will be forty quid please…


“The cat (Felis catus), also known as the ‘domestic cat’ or, ‘housecat’, to distinguish it from other felines and felids, is a small furry domesticated carnivorous mammal, that is valued by humans for its companionship and for its ability to hunt vermin and household pests.

Cats have been associated with humans for at least 9,500 years, and are currently the most popular pet in the world.

Owing to their close association with humans, cats are now found almost everywhere on earth.”

– Wikipedia

Sometimes, i wake in the night with a cat asleep on my chest and another asleep somewhere close by.

I used to always sleep in the foetal position, but recently seem to have begun to turn onto my back once i am asleep which, according to Mrs Drummerboy, causes me to snore like a warthog and, i am ashamed to admit, recently saw me having a conversation with a pharmacist concerning which of those stupid strips, that people stick on their noses to combat snoring, might be the best.

So, once on my back, i seem to provide a convenient flat surface for a cat to sleep on, as does Mrs Drummerboy but bollocks to her, the cats prefer their father, and would much rather sleep on me.

If i had my way, we would be co-habiting with 10-15 of the furry little fellas, but Mrs D seems to have put a cap on two of the beasts, which is a shame because i love cats; perhaps more than i love people.

This last statement is not made wantonly, nor without careful consideration, but if you’ve ever spent any substantial amount of time with cats, you may have come to the following conclusion:

Cats know how to live and were sent here by the universe to teach us how to live, however, it seems that no one is listening, so they just potter about, living, and wonder why we make such hard work of such a simple thing.

They don’t think humans are stupid, they know humans are stupid, which is why, whenever i hear someone say they ‘own’ a cat, i have to stifle a giggle.

No one ever OWNED a cat; a cat condescends to live with you.

Cats have evolved and adapted their behaviour over thousands of years, displaying less aggression when in the presence of humans, because it is to their advantage to do so, in order to be provided with food and shelter.

This process is known as self-domestication:

To put it even simpler; cats have studied us over many years, identified our emotional Achilles heel (some unspecified emotional/existential/parental need), used it to manipulate us into meeting their survival needs whilst allowing us to believe we control this relationship, when it was they all along who domesticated themselves and, in practical terms, give us nothing in return.

Dogs have owners: Cats have staff.

Still think you OWN  a cat?

Cats do the three things, which in my view are the blueprint for living:

eat when they’re hungry

sleep when they’re tired

absolutely accept, where they are, in every moment.

I have two questions i ask right off the bat to any client i work with;

“How are you sleeping?”

“Erm…shit” is the general response.

“Are you eating regularly?”

“Well…i had some toast yesterday…and some crisps…i think, but no, not really” or some other variation or combination, is the stock response to that question.

This is usually then followed by a laughably long list of the things which prevented them from meeting these very basic needs.

Please tell me, how do you feel when you’re really hungry and haven’t had enough sleep?

Stressed and at the end of your tether?

Thought so.

Most mental health problems, i reckon, could be sorted out swiftly by people receiving, and acting upon, the following suggestions from their therapist:

  • Anything that is troubling you DOESN’T EXIST, so dismiss it…no really…it REALLY, REALLY DOESN’T EXIST…so stop thinking about it.
  • Go and eat some nutritious food, when you’re hungry, and at regular intervals.
  • Go and sleep when you feel tired.  If you can’t sleep because your head won’t shut up…see the first instruction.
  • No thought entering your head should pertain to anything else other than what you happen to be doing RIGHT NOW…because that is REALLY all that exists…no REALLY…it is.
  • Put your hand up to your face with the palm touching your nose…right…everything on the palm side, you have some influence over…everything on the other side is none of your business, so just let it happen.
  • Oh yeah…and by the way…it’s ok if you don’t like your parents.

That’ll be forty quid please  🙂

Cats don’t think about anything other than what is in front of them, which they will explore and play with at length until they decide to eat or go to sleep.

Cats don’t feel guilty about sleeping for as long as is necessary in order to feel refreshed, invigorated and content and i’ve never seen anyone admonish a cat for “missing the best part of the day”.

Cats don’t appear to have any issues with their parents, as often they don’t see their parents again after the first few weeks of life, and because their parents are not right in front of them, THEY DON’T EXIST…and are therefore forgotten.

Cats eat until they are full and then eat again when they are empty.

Cats don’t appear to have mental health concerns, nor do they fill their little beaks with cocaine hoovered up through a McDonald’s straw – although this might just simply be a matter of logistics…what, with not being able to hold a straw…due to not having an opposable thumb…and stuff…fuck it…cats, to my knowledge, don’t snort coke right?…right…now move on…

So, thankyou to;

  • Hash
  • Vicky
  • Thai
  • Miniature (Mini)
  • Barry
  • Cheeky
  • Cookie
  • Lazy
  • Bindi

for showing me where i went wrong in the past, for teaching me all i need to put it right, and for sitting patiently and calmly with me,

whilst i continue to make a complete mess of,

and thoroughly complicate,

all of

the above.

My friend wrote the following response via a Facebook message to this latest blog entry.

He is very funny…and also writes a blog.

Read his blog at http://unfinisheddiaryofanawfulman.wordpress.com/

great last 2 blogs
I would also like to add to your cat love…
that my ex girlfriend (and current, just friends) Casey and I also have a theory about kittens and “the secret”
shortly after they are born, their mom’s tell them a secret
we do not know the “secret” but it is something that blows their mind, and they get very worried, and then comes acceptance.
this “secret” is one of the main reasons why cats don’t sweat the small stuff, ….it could be because the “end” of life is NOT the end (for them, maybe,…9 lives and all), or maybe its a horrible tale, and so they just kick back and enjoy while they can…we will never know
you can tell when a kitten is first told the secret because they look like this
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4 Responses to “That will be forty quid please…”

  1. Thank you for teaching me to love cats 🙂 but oh no you missed off poor cheeky :((((((

  2. Anything that is troubling you DOESN’T EXIST, so dismiss it…no really…it REALLY, REALLY DOESN’T EXIST…so stop thinking about it.

  3. michael w Says:

    pheobe and titch both guest at same residence as the family and i they moved in at the start of our relationship thirteen year bond.Like Povlovs dog they cry when an adult passes there food and bring us small rodents on special occasions maybe like two grown up kids they treat our house like a hotel.

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